GIVING
& GETTING SUPPORT
Help
for you and your partner
Your spouse or partner has prostate cancer. If you are
like most couples dealing with prostate cancer, it has
placed a strain and some special needs on your relationship.
How the disease affects sex and intimacy between you
may be one of your major concerns. Whether it is or
is not, you face a range of other emotional pressures
and psychological issues. You cannot hide. You have
to cope… and you can. Here are some tips that can
help you give support to your partner, and get the emotional
support you need.
Learn
all you can about prostate cancer and its treatment
The more you know about prostate cancer, the more you
will know what to expect in terms of treatment, side
effects and outcomes. Armed with knowledge, you can
begin to remove some of your uncertainty and anxiety.
You will have a better idea of what your spouse or partner
is facing. You can help him act to become informed,
to understand available treatments, and to make decisions
about how to deal with prostate cancer. By helping your
partner, you will help yourself.
Ask
for help
Watch for signs of depression in both you and your partner.
Seek professional help as soon as you think it is needed.
Ask for help of any kind when you need it. Accept it
when it's offered.
Look
for a prostate cancer support group and attend together
Don't face prostate cancer alone. It is likely that
a prostate cancer support group exists in your community-or
nearby. Seek it out and share your challenges with others
facing the same challenges. Getting and giving help
will strengthen your sense of community and provide
a strong sense of support.
Keep
the lines of communication open
Communication is critical during this stressful time.
Talk to your partner about how you feel and encourage
him to speak openly and honestly with you. Let him know
that the disease, and the consequences of it, is not
"his" problem alone-it is a problem that you
both share.
Ask
the doctor questions
Go with your partner to his doctor visits so you can
hear first-hand what the doctor has to say. Take notes
and keep them with your medical records. No question
is a dumb question, especially about prostate cancer.
And never stop asking questions as long as you have
them.
Deal
head-on with your feelings about his impotence
If your partner becomes impotent, you probably will
have strong feelings to deal with. The emotions can
be very complex. Remember that these emotions are normal.
Acknowledge them. You are not alone - 30 million individuals
in the U.S. have partners who have developed erectile
dysfunction because of prostate cancer.
You
need to defuse your own emotions so you can deal with
the impotence itself. Solicit your partner's support
to solve the problem. To get a dialog going, try a simple
statement such as, "I have a problem and I need
your help." This will take him off the defensive.
Then tell him how you feel. Encourage him to share his
feelings. If you are non-demanding, your partner should
be open to talking.
If
you both want a sexual relationship that includes intercourse,
your next step is to get good information about your
options for treatment. Visit your doctor together to
talk about the problem. The best way to calm the emotions,
reduce fear and resolve the impotence is to consider,
as a couple, your options for effective treatment.
Take
good care of yourself
Last but not least, take time to do the things you enjoy.
Give yourself time to grieve. Understand and accept
your limitations.
What
to expect
Prostate cancer can be hard on your relationship. Cancer
is difficult for anyone. Prostate cancer can be even
harder to face because of the effect of the disease
on male sexuality. It is typical for a man with prostate
cancer to experience many different and often confusing
or conflicting emotions that can strain a relationship:
- He
may feel depressed, angry, anxious and fearful.
- Despair
over prostate cancer can change to hope, then quickly
back to despair.
- He
will be concerned about his masculinity and the impact
of prostate cancer and treatment on his sexuality.
If the prostate cancer impairs his ability to have
an erection, he may avoid any kind of sexual activity.
- He
may worry about keeping his job and supporting his
family.
- He
may be embarrassed about his prostate cancer and self-conscious
of his body. He will worry about medical tests, hospitalization,
and treatment.
- He
may feel sorry for himself and become withdrawn. He
may be uncomfortable sharing his feelings about prostate
cancer. He may become non-communicative.
- Depending
on his specific prostate cancer treatment, he may
experience physical changes, including weight gain,
hair loss, hot flashes, and fatigue.
As
the partner of a man with prostate cancer, dealing with
his emotions can be difficult and exhausting. There
will be more stress in your life and your relationship.
There will be more chance for miscommunication and misunderstanding
that can lead to hurt and feelings of loss, isolation
or anger on your part. If his sexuality is impaired
by prostate cancer, you may struggle to deal with it-even
if he remains attentive and loving. The good news is
that there are strategies, tactics, and techniques for
successfully dealing with his emotions and yours. Thousands
of couples have learned to cope with prostate cancer.
They have found ways to take back control of their lives
and continue a happy and fulfilling relationship.
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